Just Because It Fits...

Hey ladies. Summer. Its hot. Do you know what that means?

Some ladies turn perfectly normal public places like the mall, the supermarket, a restaurant, etc into Skank City.

Just because it fits it does not mean you should wear it, friends! 

No, this is not a jealousy issue (ok, maybe a little) but when you get to a certain age, size, place in life, body structure, etc, there are certain things that (maybe) we were able to get away with wearing at age 19 that we should probably say goodbye to at age 32. One might argue that most, if not all of the items below, shouldn't be worn by anyone (I am one of those people) but if you must wear any of the following...

Short Shorts

Backless tops & dresses

Mini-skirts & Mini-dresses

Shoes that boarder on whore-ish

...then please let me show you some versions of the items that, I believe, are acceptable to wear into public places as adults. I was also going to address a bare midriff, but honestly - if you're an adult, and you're not wearing a swimsuit for the purpose for which it was intended, we shouldn't see your naked belly in public. Ever. Period. End of story. Sorry!

Here are some looks that I think are skanky, and similar looks that I think are wearable.

Do I wish I had this girls (clearly photoshopped) body? Yes, of course I do. Would I wear this item if I did? Only if it was in my 10th grade dance recital and the top of the ensemble involved some sort of a fringed elbow length glove and a silver cowboy hat. 

You're thin, we get it. The world does not need to see your bedazzeled ass cheek.

Here is the exception. If you're a man about town in a golf shirt and you want to squeeze yourself into a pair of junior size 3 shorts, I say go ahead. I'm entertained.

You CAN wear "short" shorts. I don't, personally, wear them b/c I have the legs of an old Italian lady, but you can wear them. Just, please... we don't need to see any body parts that are integral in bathroom activities when you're out food shopping in them. Personally, I opt for a 6 inch inseam, but these are 3.5 inches (from Loft) and I think they're very classy.

This pair, also around 3 inches in the inseam, is from Old Navy. You'll be comfortable and people won't cover their children's eyes when you walk past them.

Backless is tricky. Its very easy to go slutty, like this painful looking number:

Or this, one, which appears to be from some sort of a Motley Crue video circa 1985.

You can do backless and not look like a street walker, though:

I'm not sure I'd go with the pink lace under-bra thing, but this top is backless and classy, I think. I'd probably go with a neutral bandeau, or maybe one of those sticky bras so that I could go completely backless. From VS.

Mini-dresses and mini-skirts. Its a slippery slope, ladies. I'm going to be blunt with you. Just because you CAN doesn't mean you should. Many disagree with me, but once you're on the wrong side of 25, I say that mini-anything, with few exceptions, is off-limits.

Clearly this lady has had a few too many.

If you MUST go super short, for God's sake, please do a shift shape. The looser body of the dress definitely helps a mini-dress look less hooker-ish. From Anthropologie:

From Dolce & Gabbana (probably like $5000, but isn't that worth it in order to look like a lovely spring garden?)

Now here are some summer shoe do's and don'ts.

Just don't. Boots go up to the knee. Any other type of shoe just cannot. CANNOT.

A gladiator can go to the ankle - and no higher!! These are lovely, from Steven Madden.

If your name is something like Snowy, Candee or Bambi, I suppose these might be a great pick for you:

I broke an ankle just looking at these:

If you're not a pole dancer, try a pair like these instead; this pair is from Nine West, makes me think of Greece, where I have never been. But I'd still like this shoe.

This pair, from Jimmy Choo may cost 2 paychecks, but its a classic shape.

There you have it. My guide on how to not be a skank this summer. We're adults now, ladies. No one needs to see your nipple.

Shall Kitty Compare Thee To A Summer's Day?

Summer will soon be upon us. Yes, those days of sitting in an air conditioned office while scrolling through innumerable photos on your feed of various friends' dashboard thermometers.

Its true. As adults maybe we don't exhibit that "OH MY GOD ITS SUMMER YAY YAY I WANT TO GO IN A POOL" feeling that we had come June circa age 12, but I submit - its in there. Its deep inside of each of us. Yes, I know. A sunny day seems all but wasted when you are sitting in a windowless office five days a week for eight hours per day. Well, hey glass empty person - this just means that we should - we must - relish every minute of the free time we do have this summer. Teacher friends, let me take a moment here to silently give you the finger on behalf of the rest of us who may not see the sun at 2pm for the entire length of the summer. Ok, I'm done. Now lets move on.

How should we, as adults, seek to revive the inner child in us - the child who couldn't wait to run around the yard in the sprinkler, sans-sunscreen?

Alcohol, my friends. Alcohol.

On Long Island we're fortunate to have access to some of the greatest drinking opportunities around: Wineries & Fire Island. I look back fondly on my days in my 20's when I used to vomit in the garbage can on the ferry en route home from Ocean Beach after enjoying some 1am pizza. Oh, those were the days. Sort of. The were, at the very least, great photo ops. I've also learned that a trip out east to the wineries is pretty damn fun. Just make sure you have someone driving you around - I've been so tipsy after visiting 3 or 4 wineries in a row that if I were driving I'd likely hit a tree.

I know, I know - your question for me is as follows: Heather, what does one wear when preparing for a day trip that involves lots of public intoxication? Well, I've solved this problem for you. Read on, friends. 

This is an adorable romper, from Anthropologie. I wish I could wear rompers, but when I put one on all you can see are my thunder thighs. I love this look for a day trip out east, especially because of the hat. 

I'm on the fence about this dress. I enjoy a maxi dress, but this one, from Dress Barn... I don't know. I can't decide if I think its subtly Americana, or if its as annoying as those American Flag tee shirts that Old Navy puts out every year (I HATE those. HATE!)

I imagine that if I go wine tasting this year, I'll need a bag like this. The neon greenish yellow color says, "I'm a super fun gal who is known to drink a bottle of two of wine on occasion" but the perforated leather, and the Kate Spade label say, "I make a fairly high hourly wage, and if you back into my Lexus, I'm probably going to sue you just to exert my financial authority upon you."

This little striped tote, from LLBean Signature is ideal for wine tasting because you could fit at least 5 bottles into it easily.

I like this dress, from Loft, but the model looks like she has a pretty bad case of Hep C and could use a hamburger.

You need a pair of wide leg linen pants. This pair is from Santuary, but I got like 8 pairs at Marshalls yesterday for $4 each. You should go there.

This is a top that could take you from winery to an evening at Ocean beach. I'm not sure why you'd be doing both on the same day, because that's a lot of drinking and a lot of distance between, but what the hell. You have nothing better to do on a Saturday. Drink up. From Pima and Larkin (via Piperlime)

My feet hurt just looking at these shoes and, yet, I am compelled to own them. From Schutz. When I dress up like a character from a Midsummer Night's Dream I feel like these shoes will come in handy, and you know I do that pretty often.

I am recent convert to the "cross body" bag style. If you wear a bag like this out at night to Fire Island, you never have to worry about leaving your bag someplace - OR concern yourself with all of those Cherry Grove pick pockets.

I just want these. From Gorjana.

This necklace, from the limited just screams Summer. OR it looks like pile of gumballs. I may have to chew on it to find out what it's really made of.

I'm not sure how many people can pull off a horizontal striped strapless jumper, but I aspire to be one of those people. I can absolutely see KK working this look on her summer overnight out east this year. With gladiators, of course.

I think that if I came of age in the 70's I probably would have been ok with that. I may have become a huge drug addicted, who knows... but I really enjoy much of the Peace and Love Era fashion. This dress, from Madewell, reminds me of this era.

 This Love Bird tank from Old Navy reminds me of a really noisy Toucan that I met in St. Thomas. The toucan, truth be told, was a really loud annoying ass, but he was very attractive. I'd wear him as a shirt.

 I *will* purchase this hat, from Old Navy, before my cruise. I need this. It also comes in a color called "brown sugar" for those of you that support affirmative action.

 A yellow espadrille. For days when your feet are asking for a break but you still want to look down at them mid-day accidentally mistake them for a G-Type Main sequence star based on spectral class, which is informally designated as a yellow dwarf. Like our sun. Learn some science, people.

There you have it. If you buy these items (these EXACT items) you'll have a great Long Island summer. If not, well, I don't know what to tell you. You're on your own.

Kitty Does Stitch Fix... Take 11

Hello friends! It's been quite a long time since I've posted a blog entry, but school is out for the summer so perhaps I'll have a bit more free time to impart my vast fashion knowledge upon you. Or maybe I'll just spend my free time eating Funyuns. Who knows what I do.

As for today, I bring you the latest installment of an addiction of mine known as Stitch Fix, although SF seems to be doing their part to wean me off of their service; my last few fixes have been less than stellar. Since November, I've been working off various credits - referral credits from here or from friends, gift cards that I've received, and the $250 that I received for winning the My Day In Stitch Fix contest a few months ago. So its been a free clothes frenzy for me for the last six months. Alas, I am now down to my final $7 in SF credit; come next fix I'll have to make the decision about whether I'd like to continue with the service or sever all ties. 

Time will tell.

If you don't know with SF is, allow me to elucidate. You go to this site:

Stitch Fix

You fill out a huge style profile. Maybe you include links to your Pinterest page or what not. You pay $20. You get a stylist. She sends you 5 items (usually monthly) based upon what she thinks you'll like. You try on. You keep, or you send back. If you keep, the $20 is deducted from the cost. Free shipping. No tax. Its pretty fun. 

Here are the items that I got in this month's fix. As I mentioned, this is my eleventh shipment from Stitch fix. Some have been great (all 5 items kept!) and some have been depressing (kept a mediocre item so that I wouldn't lose my $20 investment) Regardless, there is just something about waiting anxiously for that surprise box of stuff to arrive. Like 10 year old Heather waiting on line at Taco Bell for a Mexican pizza. You almost drool with anticipation. 

Enough about me. Onto ye fix! 

This one was ok. 4 items that were eh. 1 item that I just LOVED. 

First we have the Aggie Sleeveless Side Gathered Striped Maxi Dress by Pomelo $68

The colors - a pale mint and cream - were really very pretty, so its a shame the rest of this dress was a train wreck. I enjoy a good maxi dress as much as the next girl, but the asymmetrical weird broken stupid ass stripes on this one made me look like a barge or a ham. It looked like a dress that a second grader tried to sew herself, but it went awry. It was dumb. It was silly. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I sent this one back. I'd love for someone to really explain WHAT this designer was going for here. How dumb is this dress? Ok I'm done. 

Next in my pile of rejects is the Wrenn V-neck Jersey top from 41Hawthorn, which is a SF house brand. I do like this color, but the rest of this top is pretty mediocre. I'm not sure why SF keeps sending me things with a cowl neck when I've specifically said I hate cowl necks, but that is neither here nor there. It has cap sleeves, which are pretty unflattering on all but the thinnest upper arm, so you can imagine how they made my  little pork chop arms look. The topper is that this shirt was $48. No thank you. PS - the skirt in this pic is also a Stitch Fix item from way back in November that I'm actually yet to wear in public. It may be coming to an eBay store near you soon.

Next is the Canary Yellow Bella Textural Ikat Wrap Scarf from Echo, for $32. They use the term wrap very loosely here - this is definitely NOT large enough to use as a wrap. It was ok. I might pick this up in Marshalls for $9.99, but $32... nay. Plus, its hot as hell on Long Island in the summer, so I'm doubtful that I'd get much use out of a summery scarf.

This dress had potential, and I've seen other reviewers really love it. The Callafia Short-Sleeve Wrap Dress from 41Hawthorn ($68) You'd think some of the house brand items would be cheaper, but, alas, they are not. Anyhow, I love this color - it is my favorite color (or colour if you're in England) to wear during the warm months. It was a little big, though - I have it pulled pretty tightly around me to avoid a boob pop-out. Also, its nearly mid-calf on me, which really is a terrible length. If it was a tiny bit smaller and 2 inches shorter I may have kept this... especially because, as you can see, it magically matched the earrings that I am wearing today (from Anthropologie)

Ah, the silver lining item. The item that makes all of the sorting through average, ill-fitting, and just ugly items worth it.

The keeper.

If you know me, you KNOW that I love a good horizontal stripe, and I especially love a navy and white stripe combo. It makes me feel like a really well dressed ship captain. Maybe even a clammer or a shrimp boat operator. I feel like they wear this sort of thing.

So, here it is. The Kayli Stripe Cotton Fit & Flare Dress from Pomelo, for $78. I normally would never spend this much on a single item, but as I mentioned I still had a bunch of SF credit to use, so what the hell. It is a really soft knit, but it is fully lined so that you don't get to see my cellulite. Lucky you. It isn't low cut and its knee length, so this will be a good contender for Sunday Mass. You *know* I will be featuring this item on my cruise in 10 days.

So, there you have it. Another Fix in the books. I'm wildly uncertain if I will continue after next months fix, but for the time being, I'll have fun pondering and dreaming about what Melanie (my stylist) might send me next month...